3 To Die For Recipes For Eating the Rich
It’s almost November, and the ultra rich and famous are ripe and ready! We're grabbing them like the 2nd stimulus check we never had — but how will we cook them? Colder weather brings cravings for roasted veggies (hello Rutabagas!) and rich and savory billionaires (hello Jeff Bezos!) By adding just the 1 percent to our favorite comfort foods, we get the much needed boost to our tummies — and nonexistent middle-class — needed to survive the apocalypse.
1. The Trump Spamwhich
Now if you’re anything like me, with food and men, they both need to be a little greasy and statistically likely to kill me. So trust me when I say, you’ve got to try the Trump Spamwhich. Once you’ve churned Trump through a meat grinder and processed out the racism, bleach, Covid, etc. — you’ve achieved a quick and easy dish that’s ready for all my #ProletariatYasQueens. I recommend slapping two pieces of Trump Spam between some hot cross buns. Then promptly wash down the taste of crumbling democracy by shoving a glass of red wine up your ass. Luckily, Melania has the consistency of a grape and is easy to crush down to a wine so bitter you’ll need a chaser. Because just like the last four years, you’ll need to suspend yourself from reality to enjoy any part of it.
2. Landlord Ravioli
Luckily, the CDC recommends eating your landlord just in time for the holidays. Landlords have for too long suffered under unfair tax policies and a housing shortage. Which is why it is our responsibility to fill their pockets back up... and into delicious, little raviolis. First, fold your landlord into a ball. Then, carve out their center (which should already be completely hollow), and run them through a pasta machine. OR if you’re old school like me, beat them down using a rolling pin. Fill with any cheese you like, but only after you get your security deposit back because your landlords are about to get very gassy. Finally, once they’re covered in your sweat and tears (they love this!), use your pitchfork to crimp the edges all around. Boil, serve, and bellissimo!
3. Jeff Bezos Amazon Prime Rib (Obviously)
We all get wild cravings on our period — like eating the rich. So I have just the multi-billionaire King for you: Jeff Bezos! Just like Amazon, the possibilities are limitless when it comes to how we could cook Jeff. But since he’s only gotten richer in the pandemic, we’re gonna have to ball out and do something real classy, like a prime rib. We’re also going to break a lot of labor laws to pull this off, but luckily his employees are completely radicalized and familiar with the process. First, preheat a dangerously large oven to 500 degrees Fahrenheit and combine butter, pepper, and herbes de Provence in a bowl. Spread your mixture over Jeff’s shiny bald head and dolphin like body. Roast his carcass for 5 hours. Finally, turn the oven off and let him think about all the ways he could’ve helped the world with even 1 percent of his empire. This should take a couple days, but will be worth it if your ideal man is the antichrist. Enjoy, and don’t forget to redistribute the wealth!